I'm not sure how long the time passed since the last post here. I had some personal issues. Then in January 2013 I started a weight loss/fitness journey. I was completely into it and in a year I made a lot of improvement.

After Christmas I wasn't able to get back on track. I kept eating the old food and not the new clean eating lifestyle. I gained 30 pounds back.

The good thing is that I made some body recomposition through exersice. My physique has changed. Not just plain weight loss. I have muscular mass and a lot of strength and endurance.

My husband is sick. He isn't home. He is receiving treatment for his illness out of town. I'm alone with the 4 kids doing everything.  Back to school has been "glorious". Full of work.

Now I have a 9 soon to be 10 pre teen. That means hormones and attitudes. I always say that I have good kids but nowadays they are not so good with me. They are good in the neighbors', at school, but at home they start  to act like little brats. Sorry but not sorry!

With 3 of my girls at school full time it's time for my boy to go to preschool. I am getting ready with all the documents, uniforms and materials. He needs the change and the interaction with other kids his age and good teachers.

With that small amount of time I will create a schedule for me. I want to finish my course of certified personal trainer, I want to exercise more, I want to get to know how weight watchers works because I want to loose 35 pounds and I can't seem to know how to. I want to start seeing a sicologyst too. After all this bad moments in my life I need professional help

And after all I just wanted to share/rant in my blog. I want to retake my blog. I want to write whatever I feel about.

Thanks for understanding.   Be so patient. Later... ☺

You can do it!

I don't talk about this. A couple of days ago I went to my boy's doctor. While waiting for her I went to eat something with my son. When going back to the doctors office I saw a guy I know since a long time. He was a very handsome guy. Dark hair and mustache, skinny but strong, light brown skin color, the typical hispanic man.

Now he was in a very bad condition. Dirty, pale, his eyes were out of here, he was seated in a corner watching life passing by. I stop the van and told him: Do you remember me boy? He looked at me for a while, then smiled. I smiled too and ask him how he was. Well... you can see, he replied. Are you on drugs, I asked. He looked at me like molested. He never told me if yes or no. I told him: You know how I was and you can see how I am now, but couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My voice got weak and told him: If I did it you can do it too. He looked at me with a resigned smile on his face and I left.

Sometimes I think what can I do for those who are now like I was several years ago. I became a mom of 4 kids and a wife and starting to make a small business. Right now I just can't go to rescue those in the claws of drugs. I wish I could. It is very sad to me to see in them how I was and very sad to see what I did for myself and they just can't do or don't want to do. It's clear they can't do it by themselves. They need help. I needed help. I think at times without that help where I would be right now. Maybe dead or maybe dying. I escaped from death so much times. I'm blessed.

For now all I can do is to tell them they can do it.

I just let her talk

A couple of days ago I sat on a bench at school waiting for my girls to go home. I was reading the newspaper because that was the perfect moment. The babies with their father and me alone was the propitious time to read it in peace.

All of a sudden another mom sat besides me. She looked tired. Her hair roots showing. A simple ponytail, jeans and a blouse. Sometimes I feel like that and I just want to wear some sweatpants and a pair of sneakers and a hat. She started to talk to me and I was like: Please, let me read my newspaper at last... But I listen to her.

She told me how tired she was about motherhood. She is a single mom of 3. The father of the kids gives her money for support but lives far so he doesn't have a periodical contact with the kids. A lonely mom.

I told her about me and my feelings about motherhood. I feel exhausted with my 4 kids even when I am with the father of them and he helps me sometimes at home. I just can't imagine how she was feeling. Then I think that some moms shut up their feelings because they feel scared of being judge.

Everybody expects that a mom is one who is always smiling, happy, ready for everything. The mom that makes cookies and cupcakes, and has a perfectly clean house with no spec of dust nowhere. The loving wife ready to take her man's shoes and give him a massage when he gets home. The mom that never feels overwhelmed or better said, the mom that is not supposed to never ever feel overwhelmed because then she is a bitch mom or even worse, an abusive mom and bad wife.

I just let her talk. I really know she was needing someone to listen to her without judging or making ugly expressions with the face. Then she left and almost forgot to tell me goodbye. When she was a couple of steps away she told me: Oh, goodbye... I said goodbye.

That was enough for the moment

Yesterday I went to church with my 8 year old just for a few minutes. I felt the need to go after so many years. Oh so many years! My daughter looked at me when she saw me bending on my knees and put my hands over my face to pray. I know she was surprised. She just don't know why I was doing that. It's a shame for me not to educate my daughters in faith. I was educated in faith. Things happened in my life that I lost my grip and just forgot about all the good things I knew once. I'm not a bad person. Just that I let out a lot of good things I just know.

Today we went to mass. I remembered when my mom used to go at Saturday too at 7:00pm. There was always a problem to ruin the visit in the last minute but my mom always found the way to go. It happened to me today. My husband feeling bad and really pissed off about the idea. He said no but I know he was. The cat went missing. I really hope that in the sunlight we can find him. The babies cranky, the bigger ones excited. But I went to church.

Once in there my 3 year old was just hyperactive. She naps almost every day. Today she didn't. Hyperactivity is one symptom of the lack of naps. I decided to let her be free because I wasn't going to be like crazy calling her attention all through the whole service. At least she wasn't talking loud. I left my son with his father. If not I could've had to leave the service for good. That guy is just too much.

The experience was good. I just bend on my knees and told God thanks for giving me the opportunity to be there after all I have to do in my life. I just couldn't listen to much of what the Father said because of my hyper girl and some really loud noise from the electionary campaigns but I was there in the house of God after so many years. That was enough for the moment. I want to go again.

There is a big difference

A few days ago I was asked via message how I do to have a clean house and have time to spend with the kids. It sounds hard to do. Some think that you need to have a person you pay for it. For me it is very important to have a clean place to live. And it is possible if you focus on what matters most. Of course, cleaning all the house matters but only when there is time for that.

There is a big difference between a messy house and a filthy house. My house is messy almost all the time. I have 4 kids 7 and under, I have a husband and I also live here. But you all know that responsible adults don't tend to be messy, but kids do. They are a ball of mess! For me having a clean floor, kitchen, bathroom and beds are a must and a rule. I always try to keep those in shape. Of course, there are nights I don't do the dishes, but just because I have done so many dishes during the day that I just don't want to touch anyone more. Of course, there are days when I do not sweep or mop the house, but I always do on the kitchen and dinning area.

The thing is that you can do something everyday. For the big chores, like doing all the windows in and out, my husband helps me like once a month. He takes care of the outdoors very well and since we do not live outside they are always on top. The mess tends to be inside where we all live, eat, love, and play. I used to pay a woman to help me once a month but she was a little sneaky and we just don't like that especially my husband. And things are tougher now so we just deal with that. I even started hanging my clothes to dry so we can save energy and by the way be more ecofriendly.

The big stuff can be made like once a month or even every 2 months like windows or curtains or taking off the fabric covers of my sofas and put them in the washer. Honestly I do that like every 6 months but I'm a freaky mama that do not let their kids eat all over the house. And sometimes I use my vacuum on them. Then, dusting furniture or corners, I do once a week or even every 15 days. If you keep an eye on the small things to do you will not have so much filth at the time of the bigger stuff. That way you can have time to have a pleasant place to live and time at the end of the day for you kids.

By the way, when I'm busy and dad too my kids just play around the house. They have toys and I'm trying to teach them that they need to do stuff for themselves. Mommy does not have to be around them all the time and that does not make me a bad mom but a wise mom. So for me there is no excuse.

Bacalaitos fritos (codfish fritters)

This recipe is from the traditional Puertorican cookery. But it can be made with shrimp, lobster or the fish or seafood of your preference.

For 30 fritters:

A) 1/2 pound of salted codfish filets, unsalted. Must not have any bones. I use the boneless one. I bring it to a boil for 15 minutes, drain it, pour more clean water and boil it again. It is too salty for our taste.

B) 1 1/2 cups of flour
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder (it can be omitted)
1 1/2 cups of water

C) 4 peppercorns (can be omitted)
2 cloves of garlic
fresh cilantro. All this crushed in a mortar or very chopped.

D) oil for frying

Shred codfish with hands. Make the batter with ingredients in B and add the codfish. Add ingredients in C. Fry by spoonfuls until golden brown. Drain in paper towels.

Chicken stew

In  my house we love beef. But knowing that is not good to abuse of beef we eat more chicken and fish, turkey and even some pork. We enjoy all food in a moderate way. This recipe of stew can be made with beef too.

I chop peppers, onions, some garlic. I cube 1 potato, slice some celery, broccoli, mushrooms. You can put carrots, even some corn cobs. I cubed for this time chicken breast.

Refry onions, peppers, garlic and chicken until chicken is a little cooked. Add some tomato sauce and saffron for a nice color. Add veggies and potatoes and a cup of white or red wine. I used this time Merlot. But if the only one I have is cooking wine I use it too. You can even use beer! Put the lid on and leave on medium low heat for about 20 minutes.

I cook for 6 people. I'm not good at measures. I like to add my touch to things. Depending on the quantity of people you are going to cook you add your ingredients.

The thing here is that it is cooked in the chicken juices and the wine. No water added or chicken broth. Very tasty and even healthy. Of course I almost forgot! Add some salt and pepper for taste because it will taste hideous! :)